You feel anger, and you’re lashing out at yourself. You’re being super hard on yourself, you’re have thoughts of self-harm, suicidal fantasies or severe self-criticism. It feels like there’s a seething anger beneath your skin. Usually, anger turned inwards is a sign that you didn’t have permission to be angry as a child. It wasn’t safe enough to express anger when you were younger, because the adults around you could not tolerate the intensity of the experience, and therefore it’s been turned inward instead of expressed. It may be using words that were told to you by a caregiver, someone who was abusive or absent-- “you’re not worthy of my time” --“you’re a bad boy”,etc.. Giving this part space and inviting it to a dialogue allows you to validate the worry, challenge the beliefs, and come to a healthier “agreement”. You do this, you will begin to start answering who it is that you’re truly angry at. It may be someone who didn’t protect you, care for your or maybe even harmed you. You’ll notice that the self blame may be misplaced as it wasn’t feasible to expect your own {often, younger} self to protect yourself in that specific incident. Sometimes this isn’t about person, but rather, sadness that god, society or the world didn’t protect or defend you. …and your healing will be about slowly rebuilding trust in the universe as you heal. 2) Unshakable Shame. Shame makes you truly believe that you’re bad at your core. It’s an emotion that distorts your entire identity, making you believe you’re damaged, no-good and unworthy of love and goodness. Often, if you were ignored, hurt or shamed as a child you will carry shame as an adult. Shame expresses itself in may ways; the way you interact with others, the kinds of relationships you believe you’re deserving of, how you speak up in the workplace, ask for that promotion and how you parent you kids and set boundaries.
Shame has a way of digging itself deep on the mind and body; it impacts how we carry our bodies our muscle tone and the stability in our voice. Notice if you hunch over when you’re asking for that promotion, if your voice quivers when telling that child to stop hurting yours or if you doubt yourself when presenting your work at a conference. You may also carry shame about your body, and this impacts how confident and forward you are regarding expressing and asking for intimacy, physical contact and how present you are when you have sex. One of the ways to unravel the shambles of shame is catching yourself when your mind starts spewing negative, shame filled thoughts, and replace them with more appropriate ones. 3) Regression in Time Ever feel like a little kid in a grown up’s body? Ever had a full blown tantrum that would seem more appropriate for a five year old than a forty year old? Ever find yourself back in an old power struggle you had years ago when interacting with someone who reminds you of a family member, or when visiting family you haven’t seen in a while? There are times where you might regress back to a younger self-state than you’re chronological age. You may also notice that you’re suddenly craving certain foods, are not sticking to your regular schedule and are getting into a dynamic with your loved ones that are not aligned with who you are as an adult.
If this happens, ask yourself “How young or old does this part feel”? When there is a regression, there’s something that brought it on. It could be a time of year that is reminding you of something that happened, maybe there was trigger to a loss or trauma or maybe there was something related to an event that shifted you back to a younger emotional experience. . Younger emotional parts need to be reminded they are not alone. They need to be reminded that there is an adult who can guide the way and offer compassion.
4) Perfectionistic Pressure
Catch yourself setting the bar higher, then higher and higher? You want that perfect plan, the “just right” parenting intervention, the latest business technique and impeccable meditation or prayer to your morning routine? Of course you want to see yourself as put-together, capable and strong, and you probably want others to see you in that light as well, however, when you start feeling like a car running on no gas, that’s a sign of too much pressure. When we stop hiding, we allow our creativity and individuality to come out and shine. Try doing one thing today on purpose that is imperfect. Watch to see what that’s like. You may not love what you see, but it may not be as scary as you had imagined….you may even uncover a new lovely part of yourself. And that part may not have some golden skill, but it may be a more comfortable, less judgmental part of self that makes life a little sweeter. Warmly welcome the richness your life has to offer. To build a successful life you’ll need to iron out the creases along the way. Real growth and transformation can be frightening and bring lots of unknown, and it’s normal to be hesitant.
LOVE AND LIGHT
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